Some ways I am celebrating President's Day

-Seeing no Lincoln/Washington/Roosevelt nativity scene in Times Square I am calling City Hall to ask why the liberals are committing a "A War on President's Day"

-Buying on-sale mattresses for the homeless - if you are going to sleep on the street you should at least take care of your back

-Sit in quiet contemplation trying to remember what it was like to actually have a president

-Completing work on pigeon feather and condom reproduction of Mt. Rushmore

-Working on Presidential humor stand-up routine. Having trouble with Rutherford B. Hayes and William Howard Taft knee-slappers

-Still fuming over merge of Washington and Lincoln birthdays.