So the US government has produced Ron Jeremy look-alike Khalid Sheik Mohammed, one of the men behind 9/11 and it seems he has admitted to planning, taking part in, dreaming of, whatever...31 terrorists acts. After 3 years of torture he has confessed to it all, from the U.S.S. Cole and the African Embassies to wanting to kill Jimmy Carter. Its all on the record.

thephoenixnyc has just obtained the full transcript of the mad Sheik's confession. In addition to the 31 terrorist acts he has admitted tp he was also the main man behind the following:

-Rescuing Paula Abdul from obscurity by appointing her an American Idol judge.

-Planting salmonella in the Taco Bell green onions (he was still miffed over an argument about the amount of meat in a taco he bought 6 years ago)

-Brittany's meltdown

-Global Warming

-The reelection of GWB in 2004

-Adapting the screenplay for "300"

Its amazing what someone will admit to while being tortured.

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Some favorite dishes from China:

Ma Po Dou Fu - is translated into "beancurd made by a pockmarked woman".
Lu Da Gong (a Beijing-style dessert) - translation: "rolling donkey".
Tong Zi Ji (broiler) translation: "chicken without sexual life".