Tuesday, May 16, 2006

So there I was laying on my couch, watching the third of six consecutive Law and Order repeats on TBS, reveling in the fact that life on the show is so perfectly just and follows such Zen-like form.

Body found, wisecrack from Lenny, pick up the wrong guy, plot thickens, right guy picked up, hand it over to the DA's office, trial, justice served. I am Pavlovian in my devotion and reaction to all this.

"Its never the first guy they take in." I yelled at the TV. Then, a knock at the door. Its 8:21, no one ever knocks at 8:21. I sat up, put on my bunny slippers, grabbed my trusty 12-gauge shotgun from the closet and shuffled to the door. "Who's there?" I asked.

"We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we want to talk to you about our religion," said the two skinny blonde male teens with matching ties and blue shortsleeves I spied through my peephole.

Clearly I had a choice to make. Tell them to fuck off or break my Law and Order induced sloth and talk to these two opie-looking proselytizers.

A thin, Victorian villain grin spread across my face.

I opened the door with my shotgun facing forward. They jumped back. "Ohhh, hahahahah, sorry boys, I thought you were the government agents who've been tracking me since the first gulf war, they're still looking for the map I found pointing to the exact location of the Ark of the covenant." Sorry.

"Come on in, come on in." They nervously took a few small steps forward. "Come on in, have a seat on the couch." You boys like Law and Order? I asked. "No sir" Opie #1 stuttered (he was distinguished from Opie #2 by the fact that his left eyebrow had gone grey). "Can I get you boys a coupla beers?" I said. "No sir, we don't drink alcohol, its part of our religion. Do you know much about our religion? Can I offer you these pamphlets?"

"Boys, I'm sorry to say, I never learnt to read. Maybe you could tell me about it all."

"But, before you begin, I must tell you, I am a bit of a universalist pan-theist."

As I see it, every society, culture, and human social group in the history of mankind has had some sort of spiritual-philosophical-religious belief system. It seems to be hard wired into our brains. We've always sought out the answers to the questions

Where did we come from? How do we treat each other? Is there a greater power? How do we treat nature and the universe? Where do we go when the sand finally trickles through the hourglas?

Therefore, as Walt Whitman said in Leaves of Grass, I accept all faiths and practice all religions, I sing the body electric." We're all the same underneath, we just dress up our quest in different garments, you dig?"

Doe-eyed, yet stoic, they looked up at me. Grey brow said: "So what you're saying is that your a heathen. We are here to save you from burning and rotting in the gallows of hell."

Opie #2 - You cannot possibly equate the worshipping of rocks, ancient myth figures and Jews with the love and care of our Lord Jesus Christ and his prophet Joseph Smith."

"Joseph Smith?" I asked. Isn't he the guy who said he had a special "gift" of revelation while using "seer" stones, or "Urim and Thummim", which he reportedly placed in a hat and was able to locate buried treasure or lost items with?" That guy?"

Then I dropped to floor, I started twitching, convulsing, drooling, screaming, NOOOOO, NOOOOO, they're here, they're here. Look out the window they're here. Its all coming now.

I feel it, the spirit of Joseph Smith has entered my body to protect me from the government helicopters. HALLELUJAH!!! HALLELUJAH!!!!!

Ahhhhhh, pain, love, hate, death, rebirth, oh God, oh God.!!!!!! Come on boys help me up, get my gun, let's go fight for God!!!

By this time they were out the door, down the elevator and on their way back the Christian Fellowship hostel on 46th street.

I stood up, walked to the kitchen, made myself a bowl of Cocoa Krispies and sat down for the 9:00 p.m. Law and Order.