Here ye, here ye. The Supreme Court of the City and State of THEPHOENIXNYC is now in session.

(shuffles in wearing purple judges robes and a burnt-umber feathered pimp hat)

Alright, this court has spoken. I know I haven't said anything yet, but I figured it all out in chambers while watching Jackass. Today I condemn all those who the court finds in CONTEMPT this week. I am in a contemptuous mood, and so be it.

-To the "worried Christian" people who are sending Emma Watson (Hermione in the Harry Potter movies) bibles because they think her association with magic and witchcraft is worrying and want to "guide her" I hold YE in CONTEMPT. For not knowing the difference between reality and movies, and not removing the detrius of last night's hoedown from the "yard" in front of your trailer, I sentence you all to 200 hours of continuous Jerry Lewis movie viewing. Dismissed.

-To the Republican Senators who denied a resolution to honor Bruce Springsteen on the 30th anniversary of the release of Born to Run. The resolution introduced by Senator Frank Lautenberg was voted down (despite this type of proposal always being rubberstamped through) because of Bruce's campaigning for John Kerry.

For your petty, childish, vindictive act, which has characterized the Republican House, Senate and White House for five years, I hold you in contempt.

I sentence you all to 600 hours each community service where you serve soup and food to the hungry at Bruce's New Jersey "Food Bank" charity. Additionally you will be forced to listen to Mariah Carey records for a minimum of 200 hours and a maximum of 500. Dismissed.

-To the man who was struck in the head by a NY Subway train last week (he was peering into the tunnel to see if the train was coming) I hold you in contempt. Why? BECAUSE IT'S THE SECOND TIME IN THREE YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN HIT IN THE HEAD BY A TRAIN WHILE PEERING INTO THE TUNNEL.

I sentence you to 12 months mopping the floors at the 48th street PEEP SHOW booths.

Court is dismissed.