Today in New York and around the world.

I was woken up by three separate car alarms blaring. I solved the problem by going downstairs in my Kalamazoo Ramada Inn robe and opening the hoods of the offending vehicles and pissing on the electric systems.

As I was walking back to my apartment a homeless man was approaching me deep in soliloquy. "The total output, the grand scheme, running down, eating it, oh yeah, oh yeah, the shit is on top yeah."

So I said to him, "the final debate is about the woodchuck and his line, no one knows that house, its a junk wall donut." He looked at me and said "amen brother."

Drinking my coffee I wondered, why is it that Dick Cheney and Senator Palpatine are never in the same place? Hmmm.

According to a CBC report on Thursday an American hiker was killed by wolves while hiking in Saskachewan. Initial autopsy results point to a wolf attack and it would be the FIRST death by wolf in North America in more than 100 years.

"Here cute doggie, so sweet, OWW, shit, my leg, pain, must play dead, oh no, entrails."

"OH FUCK THE PUPPIES ARE GOING ALL FALLUJAH ON MY ASS MARTHA! CALL MY HMO TO SEE IF WE HAVE COVERAGE FOR THIS!"

Of course this begs the question, why do Canadian canines hate our freedom?