I read tons and tons and tons of news. Its a way of not only keeping informed, but of titillating every emotional and rational part of my brain that makes me, me. All the chords that make my brain an instrument get plucked and strummed. My hypocrisy chord, my funny chord, my horror chord. Some things that amazed me this week.

-The hotel worker that Russell Crowe threw a phone at just settled for $10.8 million dollars. For that kind of money I would let him or any of you beat me and toss just about anything you want at me. Isn't life amazing? One day you are worker at a hotel for $30k per year, three months later you are a multimillionaire because you got cut on the cheek by a tossed phone. Ha! And you all think you are controlling your own destiny.

-MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL just announced that the new sponsor for their annual COMEBACK PLAYER OF THE YEAR award is...VIAGRA. I am not shitting you, this is true. Enough said.

-Two Argentine couples who had their babies accidentally switched in the hospital 6 years ago have decided to keep the babies they were given. Wow, the existential, ethical and Freudian discussions this raises is incredible.

-A psychic in Scotland failed to predict that the sun's rays passing through the crystal ball on his window sill would set fire to his laundry pile, scorching his apartment building.