Friday, March 04, 2005

Notes from Underground - The "Primates Behaving Badly" Edition

Cornelius: [reading from the sacred scrolls of the apes] Beware the beast man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him, for he is the harbinger of death.

-Planet of the Apes (1968)

-A group of chimpanzees in California attacked their visiting former owner and chewed off his foot and left him with "virtually no face" according to the wire reports.

This happened at a reserve for "retired" zoo animals. Animals need to retire from a zoo?

This raises a great number of important questions. Was this attack spurred by a threatened reduction in Simian Security benefits? Is the AARA (American Association of Retired Apes) being accused by the ZOG (zookeeper occupied government) of supporting "same ape" marriage at the expense of zookeepers in uniform?

Are they demanding that stickers be put on schoolbooks declaring that "evolution from ape to man is just a theory and should be approached with an open mind, as apes are superior to man in most ways."

Is this beginning of a larger movement? Are we just that much closer to falling on our knees on the beach and screaming "YOU MANIACS. YOU BLEW IT UP. DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL."

-And in other news of bad primate behavior: Shame on Robert Novak (the conservative columnist who outed CIA Agent Valerie Plame after a Bush official outed her to him in retribution for her husband's stand against the Iraq war) for going on CNN on two different days to say that Howard Dean told an audience at Cornell University "that in a few years Social Security will lose 80% of its worth." He went on to say "Dean is telling the truth and going against the Democratic party line."

Dean actually told the audience that even in 2052 Social Security would still, without any changes, be able to pay out 80% of benefits.

Novak went on CNN twice, looked into the camera and lied. The Conservative establishment has figured out that they can simply lie to the American people with impunity. Why? Because people remember what was said, not that it was a lie, and so the "message" gets through.

An additional boo hiss to Judy Woodruff of CNN going on the air and saying that Novak made a mistake, not mentioning that he made his mistake on two shows over two days.