NOTES FROM UNDERGROUND - THE INAUGURATION SPECIAL

-On January 18, 2000, the satirical (and incredibly accurate and prescient) newspaper, THE ONION, printed this headline and a story on the new President. BUSH: OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE OF PEACE AND PROSPERITY COMES TO AN END. Some highlights from the story.

*During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

*Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."

addendum: If I hear the term "Texas Black Tie and Boots Ball" one more time, I am going to drive to Texas and take a dump on the Statehouse steps in Austin.

-I have learned two things today.

LESSON 1

I am not the only one has has occasional dreams in which my teeth fall out. Apparently this is a well documented and ancient phenomenon. It has been written about by the Greeks and Romans and up to the present day. Like brushing my teeth in the shower, I thought I was the only one, until my eyes were opened. Once again proving that there isn't anything I have ever done or felt that hasn't been done or felt by someone else, and only my latent egoism would let me believe otherwise.

LESSON 2

The world is split into two distinct groups of people. Those who think that its completely VERBOTEN to ask a woman in a gym for a date and those who believe it is perfectly alright.