Today I will share with you my "Historic World Events" as FOX News would report them.

A nod to the FC gang for this.

And I'd like to thank Foghat for an amazing opening set. Foghat ladies and gentleman.

FRINGE RADICAL GROUP, DRESSED LIKE INDIANS, DESTROY PERSONAL PROPERTY IN BOSTON HARBOR

WASHINGTON POST BREAKS UNFOUNDED ALLEGATIONS AGAINST NIXON

JULIUS CAESAR STABBED BY COWARDLY TRAITOR HIPPIES - WHY DO THEY HATE ROMAN FREEDOM?

EXXON VALDEZ KILLS VICIOUS ALASKAN WILDLIFE IN SELF-DEFENSE

FUGITIVE HIPPIE CARPENTER ARRESTED - Terrorist Jesus al Nazareth given fair trial. Execution set outside Jerusalem tomorrow

TRIUMPH AS REAGAN'S ARMY CRUSHES THE EVIL FORCES OF GRANADA

1964: ENGLISH HIPPIES ALLOWED INTO AMERICA - COLLAPSE OF CIVILIZATION IMMINENT AS ONE SEDITIOUS GREAK CLAIMS TO BE MORE POPULAR THAN OUR LORD AND SAVIOR

VISIGOTH COMPANY "VISIBURTON" GIVEN EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO URBAN REDEVELOPMENT OF ROME

EXTREMIST ANTI-GOD/PRO-SATAN FORCES CREATE NEW SPECIES CALLED "DINOSAUR"; PLANT FAKE BONES ACROSS THE GLOBE

READ MY LIPS - "NO NEW TAXES" DISCOVERED TO BE HOAX CREATED BY EXTREMIST LIBERAL MEDIA

"INDIANS HATE FREEDOM. WE LOVE FREEDOM," SAYS GENERAL CUSTER.

ENVIRONMENTALIST WACKOS TRYING TO BAN LEAD FROM PAINT

CHICAGO FIRE CAUSED BY TIME TRAVELING CLINTON BLOWJOB

HOMOSEXUAL/SODOMITE LOBBYING GROUP ABUCTS CHENEY DAUGHTER - INJECTS HER WITH GAY VIRUS - DOCTORS SAY NO CURE IN SIGHT

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal. Love your bartenders.